Phone rules for couples that do not turn into a fight

If you have ever stopped mid-sentence because the person across from you looked down at a screen, you are in large company. In a Pew Research Center survey of US adults, 51% of people in a relationship said their partner is often or sometimes distracted by their phone when they are trying to have a conversation. 40% said they are at least sometimes bothered by how much time their partner spends on it. (Pew, 2020)

Among 30 to 49 year olds, the first figure rises to 62%.

What the research says, and does not say

Researchers have two words for this. "Phubbing" is snubbing someone in favour of your phone. "Technoference" is technology interrupting time together.

In a 2016 study by Brandon McDaniel and Sarah Coyne, 143 women in relationships were surveyed, and most said devices frequently interrupted their time as a couple: leisure time, conversations and meals. Those who reported more interruption also reported more conflict about technology and lower relationship satisfaction. (McDaniel and Coyne, 2016)

Another study surveyed 145 adults in relationships and found that feeling phubbed was linked to more conflict over phones and lower satisfaction with the relationship. (Roberts and David, 2016)

Both studies are small, and both are snapshots. They cannot tell us whether phones cause unhappiness, or whether people in strained relationships retreat into their phones, or both. McDaniel has said as much. The fair reading is modest: phone interruptions and friction between partners travel together, and people notice when it happens to them.

There is one piece of experimental evidence. When more than 300 people were randomly assigned to eat a restaurant meal with phones on the table or put away, the phones-out group enjoyed the time with their companions less. (Dwyer, Kushlev and Dunn, 2018)

Why this is hard to raise

"You are always on your phone" lands as an accusation, and the reply is always the same: so are you. Usually that reply is correct. Almost everyone underestimates their own use and sees the other person's clearly.

That is the useful part. The rules that last are the ones that apply to both of you equally, so neither person is the one being policed.

Seven rules worth trying

Pick two. Seven at once will not survive the week.

1. Meals are phone-free, at home and out. The best evidence we have is about meals, and they have a clear start and end.

2. The first ten minutes after one of you gets home. No screens until you have said hello properly. It is short enough to keep.

3. Phones charge outside the bedroom. This one helps sleep as well. A small trial found that a week without phones in the bedroom slightly improved people's reported happiness and quality of life. (Hughes and Burke, 2018) We go through the sleep research in bedtime phone habits.

4. Say what you are doing. "I need two minutes to answer the school" changes how a glance at the phone feels. Silence is what reads as a snub.

5. One screen at a time. If you are watching something together, you are watching it together.

6. Set a weekly window with no phones at all. A walk, a Saturday breakfast, an hour after the children are asleep.

7. Have a signal that is not a complaint. A word, or a hand on the table, that means "come back". Agree on it when you are both in a good mood.

How to bring it up

• Start with yourself. "I am on my phone too much in the evenings and I want to change it. Would you do it with me?" is a different conversation from "you never listen".
• Ask for a trial, not a rule. Two weeks, then talk about how it felt.
• Agree the exceptions first. Work on call, a sick parent, a child out late. Named exceptions keep the rule from collapsing the first time one comes up.

When a rule needs help

Good intentions wear thin around nine in the evening. If you both keep drifting back, make the phone less available rather than trying harder. Put both phones on a shelf in another room. Use Screen Time's schedule for the hours you agreed.

Or use a lock you both join. moss was built for this: one of you starts a session, the other joins with a tap, and each phone locks the apps its owner chose. Neither of you can lock the other's phone or see what they picked. You can both see that the other is in. Ending early means walking to the stone, and the session shows that you did. That is the point of it: the rule applies to both of you, and it is visible.

If you live alone or your partner is not interested, the same stone works for one person. You sign in, set up your own phone, and the invitation step is optional.